My love failed me!

Yes,

Generally people fail in love, but I believe it is the other way in my case.

My indomitable and unconditional love -- for someone most special to me -- has failed me!

Am writing this after losing everything I thought I have had.
Am writing this after getting myself drunk -- alone!
It is something I never thought I would do.

May be we all end up becoming what we did not want to... :)

I drink rarely, with my friends, in celebrations. I drink in happiness, I drink to entertain everyone.
This is the first time in my life when I am drinking alone - in ... I don't know how to say.
I feel like I lost the faith in my beliefs.

Yes, I am too philosophical.. and a bit blank now.
Should get another mug of Beer.
BTW, the last time I drank beer, it was around 60 bucks, today it is 95.
Inflation is as bad as .... actually, it does not matter when it comes to alcohol. ;)
Nasha jo detha hain aadmi ko...
Hum samajte teh zindagi mein pyaar se badkar aur koi nasha nahi ho sakta...
Shaayad isliye humne pyaar ko bhagwaan ka roop maana tha... usey v!

On that note, I really need another peg now!

Earlier, mujhe dho-theen mugs of beer peene se hi chadhi thi...
Aaj ek hi mug pe chad gaya...! :P

Yes, I have become weak....
I have been dying a bit each and every night... since August 21st 2013.

That's the most auspicious day of my life I felt....
In seven years that I know her, I came to know about that...

Mujhe kuch zyaada hi chad gayee hain...
Am unable to find words in english.. :P

I mean to say, it was the first year I learnt about that special day, and wanted to celebrate it very well.
Me fool wanted to celebrate the day at Taj Mahal, like it would be symbolic of my love for her.

That day hit me hard....
Hit me so badly.. that I still cannot digest what was happening with me.
I could not believe my dearest one could do all that with me!
The pic. in this post is something I drew with my own hand and presented her on my birthday!
It's fairy princess - the true meaning of her name! :)

My name is not even Tanmi. I changed it.. as my pen name... because it's a golden combination of our names I felt.

It's more than five months now....
And the funny thing is, my feelings for her have been growing all the time....
I contained them to myself.
Because I did not want to trouble her....
But why did she trouble me...!

Why didn't she understand me....
Why couldn't she talk to me -- just once.

Well, I am not a sober either. Am a very complicated guy. Forget about my parents, even I do not understand myself sometimes.
It is because this world is not what it looks like.
People are not what they appear.

I have seen extremes in life...
Which is why I have developed extreme feelings.

My mother made me very nice egg-omlette.. and am enjoying that now. ;)

I was looking for unconditional love -- because my disturbed soul needed that.
I was telling her that, but unfortunately, she could not understand, or believe me.
She had her own expectations, and I had my own.

We did not really respect the bond we developed over the years.
We became selfish!

Both of us believe in God, but unfortunately, we could not believe in our love, and in each other...!

That is what broke our destiny!

Yes, I always believed she was my destiny... and we both were meant for each other. To my surprise, there were lot many similarities between us.

But all that does not really matter!
What really matters is - what the other per..
No, I am being a bit harsh on her now. :(

She was always sweet...
It was me who was harsh....!
But again, I was not harsh from the beginning.
It is ...
Actually, voh jaisa v thi... meri thi...!
Thi....

Not now!

On that note, I need my third mug now.

Drinking alcohol is a bad thing for sure...that is why I never really liked it. I used to drink with friends sometimes..just for the sake of fun.

I am actually praising myself... that I do not have any bad habits. ;)

I am thirty years old, and I haven't touched a girl!
It's not that I did not get any chance... it's just that I did not want to.

I wanted to dedicate my everything to someone I love ... someone who loves me!
I always felt that having physical affairs with people without the soul-attachment is an animal thing.

Oh...

I think I missed to mention the reason why I am drinking today and writing all this non-sense.
No, it's not because I am a funny guy, or a dramatic person.
I am a funny guy, but I do not like drama of any kind.
I am just a sensitive person... an emotional being....true to the one who has my heart.

Ab kuch zyaada hi chad gayee hain boss!
Before I lose my senses, let me mention why all this fuss:

It is because I must take a decision today....!!!
Something against my heart... my wishes... and my dreams....!

Mere saath saal ke sapne ek hi pal mein toot gaye teh....!

I tried my best... to correct things....to take responsibility of both of our mistakes.
It just did not work damn it!!!

I was very very angry today, I lost control of myself...
I feared I could do some kind of damage to her...
So instead, I am doing damage to myself.

It's simple:
If i hurt her, it will hurt me too...
It always did... every single time I hurt her...

I used to hurt her with my words, and she used to hurt me with her silence.

Hurt and pain are a part of love...
And troubles are a part of life...
When there is hurt, the love should come in to heal.. that's how the love and life cycle goes on happily.

Why is that people in love do not understand this simple thing and cannot have faith in each other!?

Love and relationship are NOT two separate things!
People differentiate them for their selfish convenience.

For me, Love itself is a life-long attachment & commitment.
Yes, I have hurt her many times, but it was always my words... mere words....not my feelings.
Even though I kind of black-mailed her many times, I never left her.
In those seven years, I feel very proud to say that I have dedicated almost every day for her....!!!

Only I know what I got in return.

Another mug now... ;)

I know it is bad to share one's personal feelings like this publicly.

But you know what?
I have nothing to lose now... I lost my precious thing already.
So I don't care now.

I have been changing in the past few months. I am becoming insensitive!
A guy who fails in love will either become a flirt, drunkard, or he will take a bad revenge on his gul.

Thanks to my parent's good upbringing, I haven't got into anything of that sort.
Even though it affected my health badly, I was strong enough to manage all that on my own.

In that case, I am a very very great guy! ;)

Khona meri aadat hain...
Bahut kuch khoya hain maine apni zindagi mein....
Socha tha khuda ka taufa thi voh...un sab k baad.
kambhakt ...usey v chura liya usne....

It hurts when the people we love are taken away from us.
It hurts more when those people do not do enough. :(

Some people are just kids again...
We can't blame them either.

People tend to believe in authority figures more than their own conscience. They think all that looks and sounds good is good, and that which does not sound good is not good.

It's all about belief.

Love itself is a belief, isn't it!?

Why is it that two people in love do not believe in each other completely?
When they cannot believe in each other, why is that they fall in love in first place!?

Needs?

It's more of their fears and insecurities.
Love does not expect anything, it just wants to give ...and care all the time.

And where there cannot be friendship, there cannot be love!

Mera friendship band toot gaya aaj...
But since I value it, I brought all of the beads together...
Am not sure if I should tie that again....
Because the thread that binds them together is miss. singh.

My five year old niece called me earlier and was scolding me.. as to why I was not calling her...although it was just couple of weeks back that I met her!

That's pure love.

Love is not a control.... it is an expression!

Bardaash k baahar ho jaathi hain zindagi kabhi kabhi....

That's why I have chosen -- to kill a part of me today!

A part... that was not encouraged.

I will have to choose my life partner soon.


Moong daal is nice haan...

It's strange how we inherit certain things from the people we love. :(

I wish I had a right to share her pics here... :(

Bhaaakkk... maar denge tum sabko...! :)
Sweet isn't it?

Maar diya usne... :)



Driving Activa hurts me.
Red rose turns into blood rose sometimes..

Two things can spoil our present - either the past or the future.
Tomorrow is another day, why do we spoil our today for that!

It's easy to misunderstand the other person, and hard to understand -- why then do we not communicate clearly!?

It's obvious that when two people are in love, they only have each other's interests at heart, why don't they keep it clear!

Yuck,

This beer tastes weird now...!


Oops.. I forgot that I should choose a life partner now!

I am not able to keep myself  happy, so I should at least make my parents happy!
Because it is because of them that I exist!

My parents are very nice.... in fact I have the best parents in this world.

Because they are still hopeful that I will give them a good news soon...
They do not really care for those rich class marriage proposals I often get, all they want is me to be happy with my gul! They have that kind of faith in me - and their upbringing.

But poor fellows, they did not know what I went though...

They have this blind faith in me - that I will chose a right gul for my family.
I did choose the right one I thought, but do not know what went wrong....

I was only trying to make things real - something that a gul should be liking me more for that, but ...
patha nahi kya tha.... sab kuch mitti mein mil gaya.... mere saalon k sapne... dafnaa gaye....

My feelings became meaningless...

One last mug I think...
Hopefully I can manage it....

See,

When I pour this beer in my mug, one part of it is the actual thing.. and the other one is the boozy thing....

Life is just the same right, if it has good thing, it will have certain bad thing as well.
Why don't we accept it that way!
Why don't we love the good part of life.... why do we get stuck with the bad part of it, even though we know it is not going to last!

She does not like my philosophy by the way... ;)

I used to try and teach her things...
Because I wanted to make her the best one...!

This thing actually amuses me!
I have always had good girl-following, but I never cared for anyone of them.
I do not even know why I got close to her!
I thought it was all destiny....

Even she believed in destiny...

But we have to write our own destiny my dear.....
We should not wait for someone to write it for us...!

My thinking process has slowed down now...
But can still manage I think.

I always spoke my mind....
It used to be my feelings sometimes... and used to be my anger sometimes.
Whatever that was, it was genuine... I was a genuine person.

Jo bhi main likhna chaahta tha, uske bilkul ulta horaha hain boss...!

I wanted to rant here... show off my anger....

Am showing my love, isn't it?

Silly me!

Gussa apnon pe hi dikhaate hain....
Aise publickly thodi dikhaate hain...! ;)

Kaash voh ye simple si baat ko samaj paathi,
Ye sab blunder nahi hotha...

Bandhar...! :P

It does not matter how much love we have for someone, if it does not serve the intended purpose, it becomes useless! :(

Came across a FB post, supposedly written by Ratan Tata:

If you want to walk fast, walk alone.
But if you want to walk far - walk together.

We wish to wear high brands, but we feel comfortable in pajamas.
We wish to sit in Taj & Marriot with elite people, but we enjoy roadside tea with friends and the ones we love.
We wish to own big cars and go on long drives, yet we talk our heart out only while walking down a long road.
We have 64 GB ipods filled with songs, but sometimes a song on the radio gives much happiness that can't be compared!

We all know that all these worldly possessions will only matter for a few years of our life, why then do we give so much of importance to it?
Why do we live to show off or prove something to others?
Why don't we live for ourselves?
Why don't we work hard to satisfy ourselves?
We know that we need love more after marriage, why then do we not give it enough importance before it?

Bottoms up!
Dho beer bothal khatam...!
Haywards - 5000 it was. ;)

Chadi mujhe yaari teri aisi, jaise dhaaru desi... :)

Patha nahi kya tha voh, yaari thi... ya bewafaayi.... it ended on a very wrong note.
If it really deserved to be ended, it should have happened in a better way.

I was fighting with everyone here...including myself....
I lost the battle -- in a very bad way!

I could not show my face to anyone....

A guy in my place could have even committed suicide... :)

Love is just a part of life.

I considered it as life... she did not.

May be I am still harsh on her, but that thinking does not make her right!


I realized, I cannot make myself happy now, so I should at least make my parents happy.
I should choose ...

I want wine now! :)

How do people do that!

Dil mei koi, aur kisee aur k saath shaadi....! :(

Majboori shaayad....

Jaise main hu ab...


I cannot bear if something  happens to my parents....
It was because of this reason why I was hurting her....and myself....

Do not know if she ever understood that....

But I understood that she values her people more than myself....
So, may be, I should be doing the same now.

I want vodka now! :)

Smirn off vodka with lime cordeal tastes good.... something one of my best friends taught me!
He succeeded in love.... for which I was always happy...
And that was because the girl was co-operative.

Like the word says - Life Partner:

Life should be love, and partner should be the one who is willing to become a part of us and understand us.

My love and heart will always long for her, but as a partner, I should at least be a friend to the one I, no, my parents are choosing. If not love, I should at least treat her like a good friend.

Because, in the name of a relationship, I do not have any right to cheat her.

May god give me the strength to do that.

I know he would do that, because giving me the love of my life was difficult for him, but liking someone who wants to relate with me happens naturally with me. So it's an easy job for that stupid guy sitting in heaven ... and writing our destinies according to his will!

Being honest rarely works here.
When we are in Rome, we should be a Roman.
There are many false relationships here anyway, so, may be, I should also become one of them!

Bhook lagi hain zor se, par khaane ka mann nahi hain....
We get hungry after drinking beer... don't know why it's not same with other alcohol like whiskey.

Wishkey reminds me, I had a wish - to drink with her father...! :) :(

Elders don't understand the value of love.
They do not have faith in the ones they have brought up themselves!
It's unfortunate.


It's 1:20 am...
I should be sleeping... because I have loads of work to do.

My employer is the one who believed in me.
I was no expert in the beginning, he approached me because I was sincere, and he groomed me over the years. Now we are in a much better position. I am now earning good amount of money - I have even surpassed my target earnings this month. But somehow, that does not make me happy.

Because, jiske liye main saalon se kadi mehnat kar raha tha....voh purpose hi nahi rahi ab!

And now, am supposed to do something against my heart. Within a day or two.
NEVER in my life did I do anything against my heart!

I know it won't happen, but I still wish someone stops me from doing all this.

It's not how much you earn in your life, it is how much you can enjoy yourself, with whom, and the satisfaction it brings into your life.

Majboori toh sabko hothi hain, like described in this song.

Usey suljaane ki taaqat rehni chaahye hamein!

Varna,

Life will end up as a compromise!

If it's a heart thing, we have to deal with heart.
If it's a mind thing, we need to deal with brain.

Mixing them will spoil their meaning.

Love ain't a business, and love and money don't go well together.
Mixing them is a big mistake we usually do!

We may do mistakes, but we should not commit sins... that we have to walk over someone's emotions!

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